i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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