I puked a lego.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
