I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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