my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
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