Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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