I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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