I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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