Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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