i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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