All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Randomize
