my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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