So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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