really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
