I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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