I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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