I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
