I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
