How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
