So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
