I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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