Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
