He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
