I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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