Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
