He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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