well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
