i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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