I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
i out mim tonsoeep
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