i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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