I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
