On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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