so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I want to be your penis for a week.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
