Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
