Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So much Jack, so little girl.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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