listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So much Jack, so little girl.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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