I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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