We named our party play list daddy issues
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
