I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
