I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
