Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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