life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
