So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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