Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
