I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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