So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
