i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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