did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
