i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
