I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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