The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
