the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
That's how pantless uber rides happen
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
